Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
