Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
