I don't remember. Are we still dating?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
