She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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