You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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