OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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