oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
