you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
