dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
