im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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