I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
