I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
