And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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