Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
