All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
