if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
