We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
you inspire me to be a worse person
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
