Screwed.edu
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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