I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
