I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
So much rum. So many feels.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
