You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
