If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
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