I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
