My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
