Have you finally orgasmed yet?
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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