when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
