if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
