So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
you will always have a special place in my vag
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
