Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
