so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
