I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I've blown a few things in my day
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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