Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
