Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
