How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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