12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Enjoy the penises
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
