I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
