That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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