Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
