The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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