Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Are these your boobs on my camera?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
