foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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