Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
