Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Drake has all the answers
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
