On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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