People with herpes should wear stickers.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Two words: blizzard sex
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
