I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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