Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
