Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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