How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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