Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
