____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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