Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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