xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
