my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
