he wants to bone in the snuggie
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Operation Purity has been aborted
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Watching her eat just hurts me
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
