just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
