so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
